Mother? I said I didn’t want to go out to dinner . . . I am so sure those actual words came out of my mouth. But look, here we are going out to dinner because my opinion doesn’t matter at all, apparently. Plus, I said I did not want to eat Chinese food . . . I for sure said that. But look, here we are driving to a Chinese restaurant. Also, I said that I did not want to go to this particular restaurant because we have never been here before and I hate going somewhere we have never been before, especially if Chinese is going to be involved. But I guess my vote doesn’t count, because here we are doing the opposite of all my desires.
Oh look . . . there’s the restaurant and it has a big window that allows passersby to see that NO ONE IS EATING AT THIS RESTAURANT. That’s some marketing genius, right there. Ooooh . . . let’s go to the restaurant everyone else is avoiding! Daddy, seriously? Can’t you see the error of your ways? Look in the window! IT’S EMPTY!
Did you just say the restaurant must be exclusive? Not even, Daddy. Someone named Daddy needs to figure out the difference between exclusive and avoided.
Where’s the door? No, that’s the door to the beauty salon. Or maybe it’s the door to the bar. WE CAN’T GO IN A BAR! WE ARE MINORS!
Ewwwwww . . . this one door lets you into a hallway with doors to the salon, the bar, and the restaurant? That’s just icky.
ACK ACK ACK ACK! I can’t breathe! Someone’s been perming people to death in here! Oh my god, I will die of the toxic fumes.
ARE DRUNK PEOPLE AWARE OF HOW LOUD THEY ARE? What . . . I am not yelling everything. No, I am not. I WAS JUST WONDERING A SIMPLE WONDER, MOTHER.
Someone open the door for me, because if you think I am touching door handles in this infested germ place, you do not even know the Maj.
Ooooh . . . they have huge fish tanks! OK, that’s pretty cool. Ask if we can sit next to a fish tank.
Hmmph. What sense does that make? No one can sit next to the fish tanks because they only have one waiter this evening? We all have to sit in this front windowed room so that he doesn’t have to walk a few extra steps? Daddy, tip him badly . . . he has already messed up.
Where did that other family come from, anyway? They weren’t here when I looked in from the street. They’re probably all drunk from the bar and decided to eat Chinese food. After this they are probably going to get perms.
Rats. I wanted to sit next to the fish tanks.
Mother, that is not helpful. Why did you tell me that? Now all I can imagine is that we are the fish in this giant fish tank of a window, on display for the people who pass by. YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY, MOTHER.
I wonder if this place has tea. You think they have tea? I like tea and I hope they have tea. I don’t see the little cups for tea. Do you think they have tea? Can you ask them if they have tea? Do you think they have tea? Is it black tea they serve at Chinese restaurants or some other kind of tea? Is it tea with caffeine? Because remember one time you gave me tea with caffeine and then I had a hard time sleeping, which was totally your fault. I do like tea. I hope the tea comes in a little pot we can pour. Do you think they have tea? NO, I HAVE NOT SAID TEA TOO MANY TIMES. When a person loves tea, there is no such thing as overuse of the word tea.
No, I am NOT weirdly giddy this evening, Mother.
OK, this tea is bitterly disappointing. Smell it! SMELL IT! What do you mean, it smells like tea? It smells like dust. Smell it . . . I SAID SMELL IT! It smells like the dust of a closet. What sort of tea smells like the dust of a closet?
Seriously. I asked a question and you should not feel free to just ignore me. What sort of tea smells like dust?
DUSTEA? Is that what you just said? Yes, I get it . . . Dusty . . . Dustea. You are a riot, Mother.
Yes, I ‘m going to drink it . . . Did I say it tasted bad? No, I did not. I said it smelled bad.
I hope they have Lemon Chicken, because that is the only thing I am possibly ordering.
The lighting in here is atrocious. There is subdued and then there is concealing darkness, and this lighting makes me think they are trying to hide things from me. My eyes hurt from trying to see what they are hiding. SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP SQUINTING!
OK, that’s it. Now I am aggravated.
Did you see this?
THE MAJ IS AGGRAVATED!
What do you mean, why am I aggravated?
THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE!
Yes, I am talking about the menu. Of course I am talking about the menu. All of the prices are lower than they used to be, and they have taken a Sharpie marker and scratched off all the old prices and written in the new prices. THIS IS A TRAVESTY!
No, Daddy. Just because I am a girl who likes to find a bargain, that does not mean that I want to be faced with the evidence that the people who are preparing my dinner do not think the food I am ordering is worth as much as they once thought it was worth. WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE MEANTIME, THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
Rottage, that’s what I’m imagining. A power outage followed by rottage followed by an idiot with a Sharpie . . . that’s what I think.
Daddy, that is insane. If there is a perfectly good reason for them to have lowered the prices, then they needed to print a new menu. Is this restaurant doing so badly that they cannot afford to print a new menu? THEY NEED TO SHUT DOWN, THEN. If you don’t have the money to print out 30 menus, that’s the end. Duh.
I do not have high hopes for this meal, I can tell you that.
I’m ordering the Lemon Chicken, but I’m ordering with a sense of doom.
There is dirt in my water! DIRT IN MY WATER! Even in the bad light, I can see that there is dirt in my water! DUST or DIRT or SOMETHING . . . LOOK! Right there . . . LOOK! Oh wait . . . that’s a bubble. Never mind.
OK, this is not Lemon Chicken. This is chicken covered with plum sauce. No, I’ll eat it . . . but I do want to go on the record as having stated that I ordered Lemon Chicken but got Plum Chicken, which isn’t even an item on the menu, and so I am thinking this is their version of Lemon Chicken, which HELLO contains no lemons. At all. None.
No, I’m eating it. I just wanted to make my position clear.
Can I taste the hot mustard?
I AM DYING! WHY DID YOU LET ME TASTE THE HOT MUSTARD?
I NEED WATER! ACK, THERE IS DIRT IN MY WATER NO NEVER MIND IT’S JUST ANOTHER BUBBLE MY TASTE-BUDS HAVE BEEN SCORCHED AND DO YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT THIS IS?
Well, it’s certainly not my fault.
What are you trying to say?
I cannot use this spoon. It is a disgrace. Look at it! It’s all marked and dirty!
No, I think I know the difference between an aged spoon and a dirty spoon, Mother. What? Yes, thank you. I would be happy to trade you . . . good luck with the food poisoning, Mother.
Daddy, tip them poorly.
I can do math upside-down . . . I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
I’ll give them a tip . . . Pray to god that the Maj is never a restaurant critic, because she will scathe you.
What? That’s an excellent tip. They should make a note . . . That’s Maj with a J, people!
OK, not much way they can mess up fortune cookies.
Can I have some more Dustea?
Wait . . . Daddy’s fortune is Great opportunities await after hard work and perseverance?
Kallan, what’s your fortune? Travel will broaden your horizons and your mind?
Mother, yours is Your hand holds riches when it reaches for your dreams?
I smell a rat, that’s what I smell.
Never mind what my fortune is.
Fine. I SAID FINE.
Be kind. Eating fruits and vegetables will help you grow up healthily.
I know, right? That’s the worst fortune ever. I think they gave me that fortune on purpose.
Stop mocking the Maj’s future!
ACK! It smells like perm poison out here still! And the drunk people are still impossibly loud! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW LOUD THEY ARE?
Don’t hush me.
I will not be hushed.
I am the Maj.
