Kallan approaches quietly and snuggles into my side, “I just love you so much, Mommy.”
Uh oh. So I say, “Uh oh.”
She looks into my eyes and bats her own, “Sometimes, I just need to make sure that you know how much I appreciate you.”
“Babe, you’re scaring me.”
“SHE’S UP TO NO GOOD, MOTHER! STOP THE SMALL ONE IN HER WEASEL TRACKS!”
“Maj, be quiet.” I turn to Kallan, “Seriously, babe . . . you are freaking me out. What have you done?”
“Mommy, I just want to tell you how much I love you.” She turns my swiveling chair and climbs into my lap, “I am so lucky you are my mommy.”
“OH MY GOSH . . . DO YOU THINK MOTHER’S A FOOL? SHUT HER DOWN, MOTHER! SHUT THE WEASEL DOWN!”
“Maj, please be quiet. Kallan, is there a crime involved in whatever it is you are about to tell me?”
Kallan snuggles in close, “Remember when I was a tiny baby and I fit right into your arms?”
“Nothing’s on fire, right?”
“I just feel so warm and safe here with you.”
“If you broke a window, all the sweetness in the world isn’t going to keep me from making you pay to replace it.”
She lifts her head and brings a gentle hand to my cheek, “Dear sweet woman . . . there is no need to worry. Your daughter who loves you deeply is just feeling the need for a little bonding.”
“OH, I WOULD WORRY IF I WERE YOU, MOTHER. WORRY IS REQUIRED!”
“Kallan, just tell me what this is about so your sister can stop hyperventilating.”
“I AM NOT HYPERVENTILATING . . . THE EXTRA BREATHS ARE SO THAT I CAN EXHALE MY RAGE.”
“Hold on, Kallan. Maj? Either go upstairs and put your laundry away or stay here and be quiet. Your choice. Kallan is trying to discuss a matter of mother-daughter interest, and your bellowing is interfering with my ability to appreciate the sycophancy.”
“MOTHER, I DO NOT BELLOW.”
“Make a choice, Maj.”
“FINE, MOTHER. I WILL GO UPSTAIRS AND LEAVE YOU TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION BUT YOU HAD BETTER HANDLE IT BECAUSE IF I COME BACK DOWN HERE AND SHE IS BATHING IN A TUB OF CHOCOLATE AND PROMISES? YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WRATH OF MAJ.”
“Understood.”
Maj stomps off and Kallan turns her attention to me once again, caressing my cheek as she speaks softly, “Dear one. Dear beloved woman.”
“Sweetie, I can pretty much guarantee a question that needs this sort of build-up is going to get a no.”
Kallan presses a finger to my lips, “Don’t talk, sweet one. Just listen.”
I talk around her finger, “Okaaayyyyyy.”
“Sometimes in life, great opportunities are presented to us and we say no before we have truly thought the offer through.”
“Okaaaaayyyyy.”
“I want to let you know before I present this opportunity that this is one of those life-changing opportunities. Can you feel the shivers of possibility in the air?” She shudders her hands in front of my face, “Can you feel the energy of this moment?”
“Hmmmm.”
Kallan throws her arms around me, one hand caressing my hair as the other soothes the space between my shoulder blades, “Take in the moment. Live in this moment of anticipation. How many people get to say that they have truly lived? You, sweet woman, in this moment right here, are truly living.”
“Good god.”
She releases me from her embrace and brushes the backs of her fingers along my jaw, “Bring your god into it if you must, but stay with me in this moment of possibility. So many words could come from my lips . . . so many possibilities.”
“Sweetie, you are going to kick this world’s ASS when you get older. Oh my god . . . the world is doomed.”
“Sweet woman, do not speak of the world’s boo-tocks in this moment. This is your moment. Hold it. Hold this magic moment in your hands.” She raises my hands and presses them against my chest, “Own the moment as you own your heart.”
“Who ARE you?”
“Try not to be frightened . . . the fact that you are being presented with an important opportunity that may in fact be a matter of life and death should not frighten you. It’s your moment to own.”
“Stop caressing my face. You are seriously freaking me out.”
She cocks her head and smiles at me, traces my hairline with her fingertips, “A gentle touch can reassure in a time of confusion.”
“Spit it out, babe. What is it you want?”
“What a sad world you have made for yourself where every conversation is viewed with suspicion.”
“Stop talking like you are trying to hypnotize me!”
She continues talking in a comforting motherly voice, her voice slightly sing-songy with concern, “Would it be so easy to take you over? So easy to bend you? I think not. Your choice to give me power is only real if you really choose it.”
“Kallan, come on. Your sister will be back in a moment . . . get on with it.”
She takes my face in her hands, “Look into my eyes and see the strength of my need.”
“You do have pretty eyes.”
“Look into my eyes and see that I love you.”
“What . . . do . . . you . . . want?”
“Look into my eyes and see that you hold the future in your words. This is life and death, sweet woman of beauty. Life and death is in your words and in your choice.”
“Augh! You are driving me insane! What life and death choice? WHAT LIFE AND DEATH CHOICE?”
She leans to whisper seductively into my ear, “I would like to make some cookies.”
“Oh, that’s an easy one. No.”
Kallan grabs at my shoulders, her eyes wild with panic, “Shhh. Speak not the words of rejection! Do you want to die?”
“Are you threatening me?”
Her voice is sorrowful and dramatic, “I did say that this was a life and death decision.”
I cannot stop laughing, and I wipe tears as I try to compose myself, “Sweetie, you are awesome. You’re not getting cookies, but you are awesome.”
She steps back and drops her hands to her sides in resignation, speaking in her normal voice, “Pretty sure the world and its boo-tocks want me to have cookies, Mom.”
“Pretty sure the world and its boo-tocks know that you have a bowlful of Valentine’s Day candy. No cookies.”
“Well, this is disappointing. First the no-cookies ruling and now I have to lose my mother.”
“Because I will be dead?”
“Obviously. You chose your fate. You held the moment in your hands, and then you just set it free to come back and rip your throat out as you sleep.”
“The unheld moment is going to rip my throat out?”
“Geez, Mom . . . you read all those books and you do not know how rejected moments turn on you and thirst for your shredded blood?”
I stare at her as she walks into the kitchen to eat some of her Valentine’s Day candy. She tosses a handful of Skittles into her mouth and turns to blow me a candied kiss, “It was nice knowing you, Mom.”
Stomping down the stairs comes Maj, “THE WRATH OF MAJ DESCENDS, PEOPLE! BE PREPARED TO ACCOUNT FOR YOUR ACTIONS!”
Kallan chews on her Skittles as she greets her sister, “Hey, Maj? Mom says it’s not fair you’ve had the bigger bedroom since we moved here, and she says it’s time for us to trade rooms. I have to say, I am inclined to agree with her. She has my best interests at heart.”
I explode into hysterical laughter.
And Maj just . . . explodes.
Yay!
