Our smaller badly behaved dog has decided he will no longer tolerate the Maj.
Here’s Jack when Maj approaches: GRRRRRRRRRR
Here’s Maj: OH, THIS WILL NOT DO. YOU WILL ADORE ME OR PAY THE CONSEQUENCES, YOUNG MAN.
Here’s Jack after a moment of terrier consideration: GRRRRRRRRR
“Mother, the dog is broken. Look, every time I come near him, he growls.”
“See? He has a brain tumor, I believe. The only reason I can imagine for this Maj hatred is a brain tumor. Or a brain-worm parasite. LET ME PET YOU IN YOUR HOUR OF TERMINAL NEED, STUPID DOG.”
“Mother, the dog is vicious and surly.”
“Maj, just leave him alone. He’s trying to sleep and you are annoying him.”
“Really, Mother? This is acceptable dog behavior to you? You don’t even care about why he has turned on me?”
“I know why he has turned on you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You are unpredictable and alarming and you scare the shit out of him.”
“Mother, that’s ridiculous. The Maj is owner-perfection where terriers are concerned.”
“I WILL CARESS YOU, STUPID DOG. YOU WILL SUBMIT TO MY LOVE.”
“YOU BARE YOUR TEETH AT ME AGAIN, I WILL FOLD YOUR EARS DOWN AND STAPLE THEM TO YOUR SKULL.”
“It’s useless, Mother. Nothing I say will calm him. My tenderness falls on deaf dog ears.”
“Leave him be.”
“LISTEN, TERRIER OF SASS . . . LOVE ME OR ELSE! LOVE ME OR DIE!”
“Mother, no amount of love will fix this. I’ll write up the FREE-DOG poster. Let someone else cater to his stupid terrier whims.”
“STOP MENACING THE MAJ! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS, YOUNG MAN!”
“Maj, leave him alone. He’s all crabby at you.”
“But WHY? I have done nothing to deserve this treatment.”
“You really want to know?”
“What, you are a dog-psychic now?”
I stand and walk over to where Maj is sitting on the couch, “Just relax and pretend that you are Jack. You are comfortable and warm and relaxed.”
Maj pulls her feet up and curls into a ball, looks up at me, “OK, I am Jack.”
“OK, you are Jack and here comes a person to hug you and pet you and pick you up. First, let’s imagine that the person approaching is Kallan or Mommy or Daddy.”
I reach down with a smoothing hand and caress Maj’s hair, “Hi, Jack! Good boy.” I tuck my hands under Maj’s body and lift her gently from the couch into my arms, “Awww . . . you’re such a good dog. Come snuggle with me.”
Maj giggles and lengthens her body to drop to the floor, “What’s your point, Mother?”
“So be Jack again.”
She curls up on the couch again.
I lean over her, “OK, this time I am Maj.”
I move suddenly, throwing my body down on Maj as she squeals and shrieks in protest. I grab one of her arms and reach across her body for one of her legs, lifting her off of the couch as awkwardly as possible. I twist her up and into my body with her ass hanging low, and then I yell into her face, “Awwww, JACK! I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” I spin her in the air and then toss her back down on the couch, “YOU ARE JUST SO CUTE!” I lean down and smack her butt several hard smacks, “Who loves you, Jackie? WHO WHO WHO? The Maj, that’s who! You are the luckiest dog in the world!”
Maj is breathless and jumbled and laughing, “So what’s your point, Mother?”
“Well, if you were Jack . . . how long do you think it would take for you to figure out which one was Maj?”
Maj considers, “So you’re saying this is MY fault?”
“He shouldn’t growl at you. He’s a pain in the ass and he shouldn’t growl at you. But yes . . . this is kind of your fault.”
Maj walks to where Jack is pretend-sleeping and sits beside him.
“I am trying to apologize here, young man. Stop your sass.”
“I will try to be calmer and more reasonable, but you are going to have to stop this growling.”
“I WILL PET YOUR HEAD IN SYMPATHETIC UNDERSTANDING IF I SO DESIRE, YOUNG MAN. SUBMIT TO MY LOVE IMMEDIATELY.”
“SUBMIT! SUBMITSUBMITSUBMIT! I AM IN CHARGE HERE AND YOU WILL SUBMIT.”
“DID YOU JUST SNARL YOUR LIP AT ME? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”
“I’M NOT BACKING DOWN, YOU CRAZY FERRET OF MADNESS. THE MAJ DOES NOT BACK DOWN.”
Maj stands over him for a moment and then with darting hands, she seizes him, “HA! WHO’S YOUR GOD NOW, STUPID MAN-DOG? I’LL GIVE YOU A HINT . . . GOD IS THE ONE WHO HAS YOU HOG-TIED AND DANGLING IN THE AIR. THAT’S HOW GOD ROLLS, SMALL BADLY BEHAVED DOG. THAT’S HOW THE MAJ-GOD ROLLS.”
“LOOK INTO THE EYES OF GOD AND SUBMIT!”
Maj speaks calmly, extending her arms and dangling Jack in front of my face, “Mother?”
“Tell this teeth-baring terrier to yield to his god.”
I reach to scratch at the fur between Jack’s upside-down eyes, and he wags his tail hopefully, “Jack, you may have met your match. I would yield if I were you.”
Jack looks back at Maj . . . GRRRRRRRR.
“Oh, tell me you did not just growl into the face of god. TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST MENACE YOUR MASTER.”
“THE MAJ-GOD IS NOT AMUSED.”
“Maj, give me the dog.”
She lowers him slowly into my lap and releases his legs. Jack rolls and snuggles happily into my arms. I run my fingers through his fur and he wags his tail.
Maj glares down at him, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?”
“Maj, you need to work on turning down your dog-ownership volume.”
“NOT EVEN. I WILL STAY UP HERE AT TOP VOLUME AND THAT DOG WILL SUBMIT TO MY LOVE.”
Maj crosses her arms in defiance, “I WILL BREAK HIS SPIRIT, MOTHER. I WILL BREAK HIS SPIRIT AND FORCE MY LOVE UPON HIM. TRAINING STARTS TOMORROW, MOTHER. TELL HIM TO PREPARE, BECAUSE TRAINING STARTS TOMORROW.”
I lean to whisper into Jack’s ear, “Poor you.”
Maj stomps away, announcing her intentions to the house in general, “THAT DOG WILL SUBMIT. THAT DOG WILL YIELD. THAT DOG WILL BEND TO MY WILL.”
I sigh as Maj rants.
“MAKE A TERRIER NOTE, JACK . . . WE WILL BE BONDED.”
Maj stomps back into the room, “Are you growling at me from Mother’s lap? FEAR MY BOND WRATH! I WILL BOND YOU SO HARD YOUR TOES WILL SHRED.”
“YOU WILL ACCEPT ME AS YOUR BONDED MAJ-GOD OR PAY THE TOE-PRICE!”
So this should be interesting.