I rarely do this, but if you missed the post I put up the other day entitled So this is flaccid penis? . . . go read that. SERIOUSLY . . . GO. Kallan and her Health Class teacher crack me all the fuck up.
And then come back here, where . . . Kallan is studying for a Health Class quiz. I have agreed to listen to a story she says her teacher told the class to help them remember how the male reproductive system works.
Here’s Kallan . . .
“Gather round, children. Let me tell you a little story about the Kingdom of Penis.”
I interrupt, “There is no way your teacher said that.”
Kallan rolls her eyes, “Let me tell the story! My teacher told the story, but who’s to say I can’t drama it up a bit? As long as I get the basic facts straight, it’s not like I’m in court, Mom. Relax.”
“OK, but I just want it on the record that there is no way your teacher said . . . Gather round, children. Let me tell you a little story about the Kingdom of Penis . . . No way she said that.”
“Mom, hush. Let me tell the story my way.”
Kallan looks at me warningly, “I’m going to start all over. Don’t interrupt. I have to know this stuff. I have to do the whole story, or I won’t get things in the right order.”
“Sorry. Carry on.”
Kallan takes a deep breath, “Gather round, children. Let me tell you a little story about the Kingdom of Penis.” I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle my giggling. Kallan continues, “In the Kingdom of Penis, there is a hotel called the Testes Inn. The Testes Inn is located within a valley and also within the Scrotum Forest. The Testes Inn is a magic hotel, because it actually MAKES its guests, who are called Semen. All the guests at this hotel are male (hence the name seMEN), which causes problems.”
Choking back laughter, I ask, “How much of this did your teacher actually say?”
Kallan is defensive, “She told a boring version where there was a hotel for semen called testes. My story is better.”
“So after a night in the Testes Inn, the Semen look around and discover that there is nothing to do at the hotel but hang out with other Semen, and so they decide that they need to go on an adventure. They check out and head to the Epididymis Lounge, where they wait for the Right Angle.”
“The Right Angle?”
“Yeah, my teacher said that when the penis is erect, it’s like a right angle. There was confusion for a minute, because some kids got cranky she was bringing math into the penis discussion, but then we figured out that she meant that the penis actually stands up and points away from the body at a right angle! Did you know this, Mom?”
“Oh my god . . . Your teacher cracks me up.”
Kallan waves for silence, “OK, so the Semen wait in the Epididymis Lounge for a Right Angle to arrive. As they get ready, they stop at the Angel Wings gas station and make sure they have fuel for the trip.”
“Angel Wings gas station?”
“The epididymis is shaped like angel wings, Mom. The Semen hang out there and mature and get strong so they will have energy to make the journey.”
“Got it. Go on.”
“So the Right Angle arrives! Everybody gets all excited and zooms out onto the freeway, which is called the Vas Deferens. The Semen speed along as fast as they can, but then they get a little thirsty and a little hungry, and so they stop at the SV Fast Food Place for something to help them make the trip.”
“SV Fast Food Place?”
“Seminal Vesicle, Mom. Pay attention . . . YOU HAD BABIES, MOM. THIS STORY SHOULD SOUND VAGUELY FAMILIAR!”
“So the fast food is . . .?”
“The SV Fast Food Place provides the Semen with seminal fluid, which makes the journey easier. The Semen speed along the highway, all mixed in with seminal fluid, going as fast as they can, until suddenly . . . there’s a highly dangerous intersection!”
I wipe tearful giggles, “And then what happens?”
“OK, at this intersection is Prostate Gland Man. His job is to make sure the Semen yield to Urinemen. He also makes sure that the Urinemen yield to Semen. So Prostate Gland Man figures out who has the right-of-way, and then only that one set of travelers is allowed to continue down the road. The other travelers are held back behind a barrier until a better time arrives.”
“Seriously, your teacher is rather awesome.”
“Just so you know, she didn’t call him Prostate Gland Man; she just said the prostate gland is like a bossy stop sign that forces either urine or semen to yield the right of way.”
“Alright, so if Semen get the go-ahead from Prostate Gland Man, what happens next?”
Kallan makes triumphant zooming gestures with her hands, “Then the Semen shoot for home!”
“She did not say that.”
Kallan spins and zooms her hands in the air, “What?”
“Your teacher did not say the Semen shoot for home.”
“Hmmm . . . no, I guess she didn’t. She said that they ended their journey by taking the Urethra exit ramp to home.”
“Kallan, I just could not possibly love you more.”
“Stop giggling! I like my version better . . . shooting for home is way more dramatic than getting off the freeway at the urethra exit ramp.”
“Did your teacher say anything at all about a giant rubber enclosure that appears out of nowhere and captures all the Semen and prevents them from reaching their desired destination?”
Kallan’s eyebrows go way up, “No, she did not.”
“You should ask her about that. Ask her about how the Kingdom of Penis has to wear an outfit.”
“Hmmm . . . she does let us write down questions and put them in the Anonymous Question Box.”
“I seriously love your teacher.”
Kallan is suspicious, “You’re not just messing with me, right? There really are outfits for penises?”
“Condoms, babe. Yes . . . yes, there are.”
So then Kallan and I talk for a bit.
And there is much giggling.
I love Kallan’s Health Class teacher.