Our dogs sleep locked up in the laundry room at night. Mostly. Sometimes, there is waking.
And then the smaller badly behaved dog speaks.
Only the Terrier.
Comfy here in this bed.
What? What do you mean . . . Why am I in this bed?
What do you mean . . . Why are you sleeping on the floor?
What? Because I said so, that’s why. The lady told you to share this bed with me.
You are questioning my definition of the word “share?” Let’s see . . . you can use the bed when I am done with it. How is that not sharing?
No, I do not think I am missing the spirit of the word “share.”
I don’t care if the floor is hard and uncomfortable. Why do you even say these things to me? You make me listen to your words and make me listen to your needs and ALWAYS I DO NOT CARE. Stop wasting my moments.
No, I will not move over. You can sleep on the pile of dirty clothes the lady left on the floor.
You don’t want to ruin their clothes? Seriously? What sort of dog are you, again?
“Labrador” must be dumb-dog talk for “dumb-dog.”
Whatever . . . I don’t need to make sense. I am Terrier! Lie down on the floor then, I don’t care. Stop whining.
GRRRRRRRRRR . . . back off . . . this bed isn’t big enough for both of us, and I cannot even believe you would make such a suggestion.
That is not unused space . . . that part of the bed is where I keep my growling. Go ahead, try it. Put your paw in what looks like empty space. I dare you.
GRRRRRRRRR . . . see? Not empty at all. That’s where the growling sleeps.
What? Of course growling means I will bite your ears and your nose. Are you new here?
Oh my dogness . . . fine . . . let me make myself clear. Right there . . . that apparently empty space . . . that is where the growling and the vicious sleep.
WHICH MEANS THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU . . . GRRRRRRRR.
SNAPGRRRRSNAPGROWLLLLLLLLLSNAP . . . SNAP
Bwhahahahahaha! Look at you all cowered and curled in a circle. How do you make your tail go under like that? That’s adorable!
OK, because I am feeling magnanimous, guess what?
It means generous . . . Oh my dogness, you are stupid. Anyway, guess what?
You have to say “What?” or I’m not going to tell you.
Here’s what I am prepared to offer you . . . Ready?
You have to say “Ready” or I am not going to tell you of the offer.
Say “Ready” and then wag your tail all hopeful. That amuses me.
So cute! Alright. So I’m thinking there is just enough extra room on this bed for your . . . ears.
Nope. Just your ears.
They don’t come off?
Seriously? I just assumed they were detachable. They’re all floppy and just so . . . moot.
What? Ears can be moot.
Don’t sass me.
Well, then you are out of luck. You sure your ears don’t come off? Come close so I can see. Closer. Closer . . .
Closer . . .
GRRRRR SNAPSNAPSNAP CHOMPSNAP GRRROWOOOWWWLLLL
No one to blame but yourself . . . I told you this is where I keep the growling and the vicious. You’re right, though . . . getting those ears off of your head would be a messy job. Not impossible. Messy.
What? Oh my dogness, you are such a baby. I was teasing.
You think they taste like pig ears?
I was just wondering. Pig ears are some tasty things. My mouth is all drooly now at the thought.
Don’t whimper . . . it annoys me.
You want me to promise? You are ridiculous. Fine . . . I hereby promise not to eat your ears off while you sleep.
Although pig ears are some serious yumminess.
OK, now I am hungry. Hungry means it is time to eat . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
No, I will not stop barking. The lady is the keeper of the thumbs . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
I need the lady to work the thumbs to turn that doorknob . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
It’s never too early to call the lady . . . sunlight is not required . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Listen, when I get the lady down here and she works the thumbs, you are going to be all happy and eating food. Stop telling me to be quiet . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Oh, I know you did not just say that you are warning me for my own good . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Nothing bad ever happens to me . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK . . . Have you seen my cute?
The lady is putty in my paws . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
You know, it would not kill you to help me here . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
No, I’m not tired at all . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Why are you obsessed with the darkness? The darkness does not determine my need to be fed. I AM DOG HERE. DOG DAMN IT, I AM DOG . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Yes, I am DOG.
Like God but backward and thumbless . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Stop snickering . . . BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Listen! I think I hear her. Shhhhhh.
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK . . . OK, when she gets here, follow my obsequious lead.
Obsequious means . . . I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS . . . Just be yourself.
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Yay! She is opening the door! Yay! We are going to have food! Yay! I told you it didn’t matter if it was dark outside! The lady will turn the light on and make it day! The lady loves me and she is overwhelmed by my cuteness and I AM DOG HERE and she is going to work the thumb magic, and . . .
What . . . the . . . fuck?
Seriously . . . WHAT THE FUCK?
I KNOW SHE PUT MY MUZZLE ON ME . . . I am not what-the-fucking the IDENTITY of the object holding my mouth closed . . .
I AM WHAT-THE-FUCKING THE ACTION!
YES, AS IN WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT LADY JUST DO?
I KNOW SHE MUZZLED ME! I KNOW SHE LEFT!
Must I explain everything?
OH, I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE THIS SHIT. I WILL BRING THE PAIN, LADY! DO YOU HEAR ME?
YES, I WILL BRING THE MOTHERFUCKING PAIN!
I am aware that she cannot hear me.
I WILL TEAR IT UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
I know she cannot hear me.
I WILL RAGE IN SILENT THOUGHTFULNESS, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh, you are hilarious.
YOU WILL PAY, LADY! I WILL NIBBLE-KILL YOU AND YOUR YOUNG ONES AND THEN DANCE IN PRANCY-FOOTED GLEE ATOP YOUR CORPSES.
Yeah . . . prancy-footed was maybe not the best scary-phrase choice.
Nibble-kill is not that scary either, maybe.
I WILL RAIN TERRIER DOOMAGE DOWN UPON YOUR HEADS!
Wait . . . WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE BED? I TOLD YOU NOT TO LIE IN THE BED! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GET OUT. GET OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
What do you mean, No?
Oh, it’s on now.
I AM BRINGING THE PAIN, LABRAWOMAN. PREPARE TO HAVE THE PAIN BROUGHT! I AM BRINGING THE MOTHERFUCKING PAIN RIGHT THIS . . .
Hard to bring the pain whilst muzzled.
Well, this is embarrassing.
Can I snuggle with you until daylight?
Seriously? That’s rather selfish of you. What about that empty space right there? I could fit there.
What do you mean, that’s where you keep your snap? You never snap at anything.
That sort of snap.
Yes, I get it. You are a sassy woman of Labrador now, shaking your moot ears of superiority.
I get it.
Yes, even without the thumbs, the snapping is still impressive.