The four of us are about to head out.
I grab a sweater and a raincoat, and then I turn to Kallan, “Bring a jacket of some sort. It looks like it’s going to rain.”
Kallan leans to glance out the window up into the sky, “OK.” She walks to the closet and takes out her raincoat.
Kallan and I are now ready to go. I pull on my sweater. We sit side by side in the bay window, and I call to Mark and Maj, “You guys ready?”
Neither of them answer, but they walk from separate points in the house into the living room where Kallan and I sit, each of them staring crabbily into a handheld device. Mark is holding his iPhone and Maj has her iPod. Kallan and I watch as their brows furrow in consternation; neither Maj nor Mark is aware of the other. When they speak, they speak over one another . . . both angrily tapping at their screens . . .
“How am I supposed to know what to wear? I’ve got shorts on, but what if it gets colder? This is ridiculous. Let me try again. I could bring a jacket, but I hate to bring a jacket if I’m not going to need it. What’s going on here? I wonder if shorts are warm enough? I could change to jeans, but then if it gets hot . . . well, that’s just a pain. How am I supposed to function like this? I rely on you to bring me up-to-the-minute information. What is the point of you if you refuse to do my bidding? Maybe the internet connection is down? No, that’s not it. So annoying . . . how am I supposed to know what to wear?”
I interrupt their twin monologues, “Mark?”
Mark looks up at me, “Hold on. The weather is broken.”
Maj looks at him in surprise, “Mine too! I hate when the weather is broken.”
I glance at Kallan and then up at the two of them, “Just so we’re clear, the weather is not broken.” I wave my hand to indicate the world beyond the window in which I sit, “The weather continues . . . right outside these panes of glass.”
Maj and Mark have both returned to their screens, but now they speak to one another . . .
Mark turns to Maj, “When’s the last time you checked the weather?”
“Like ten minutes ago, and it was working fine then.”
“What did it say when you checked it?”
“It said it was going to be warm and sunny, but you know how the weather can change.”
“I know, right? That’s why I was going to check it before we left.”
“Me too . . . I hate when the weather breaks.”
“Right? How are we supposed to know what to bring? How are we supposed to be prepared?”
“Check it again, Daddy.”
“I just tried. Nothing. No weather.”
“Let me try. Rats. Still no weather.”
I wave my hand again, “People, there is weather. You are freaking me out . . . THERE IS WEATHER.”
Maj huffs but then turns to me eagerly, “Oooh . . . check on your iPhone, Mother! See if there is weather on your iPhone.”
“Maj, we all have the same weather app installed . . . if it’s down, it’s down for all users.”
Maj stares at Kallan, “Why do you have a raincoat on your lap?”
“Because Mommy told me to get a raincoat. She said it might rain.”
Eyebrows lifted high, Maj turns to me, “And you made that judgment based on what, exactly?”
“Seriously, Maj? I looked out the window and up into the sky and made note of the large dark clouds that seem to be rolling in despite the ostensibly sunny day. I reviewed my experiences of past sunny days that have turned monsoonish, and I calculated the chances of this day being of the sort to make a sun to monsoon transition. Based on the results of these mental calculations, I decided bringing a raincoat was a good idea. I then thusly advised Kallan.”
Kallan giggles and holds up her raincoat, “I then thusly complied with this advisement.”
Maj stares at the two of us, “The last time I checked the weather, it was supposed to be sunny all day. There was no mention made of rain.”
I shrug my shoulders, “Then don’t bring a raincoat. Doesn’t matter to me.”
Mark is still tapping at his screen, “Maybe I will call up the weather on Google . . . maybe they can tell us what’s going on.”
“Ooooh, good idea!” Maj stands on tiptoe and leans in to stare at his screen, “What does it say?”
“OK, now I can’t get a signal. How am I supposed to function?”
Maj is annoyed, “Daddy, the signal is your job. Why is the signal weak, Daddy? What have you done?”
Mark is annoyed as well, “I didn’t do anything!”
“Well, that’s just great. Now we have no weather at all.”
Kallan snorts with laughter, and I point out again, “There is weather. The two of you are bonkers. There is weather.” I stand up and walk to the door, place my hand on the doorknob, “How about I just open the door and grab you guys a couple of handfuls of weather so you can make some decisions and we can move on with our day?”
Maj is outraged, “Mother!” She holds her iPod in the air, “See this? See Daddy’s iPhone? Daddy and I have the ability to check the weather on these devices before actually contending with the weather itself.” She taps at her screen again, speaking derisively, “Daddy and I are far too advanced to just reach out and touch the weather.”
Mark pauses in his tapping to stare at Maj, “Right.”
I sigh, “Come on. It’s time to go. Discern the weather as you experience it.”
“Mother, perhaps I did not make myself clear. I am not touching the weather without prior knowledge of the weather.”
“Oh, for god’s sake. You said you checked it ten minutes ago! You said it’s supposed to be a lovely sunny day! Come on . . . let’s go!”
Maj stares at me, “You’re bringing a raincoat as well?”
“Duh. It’s going to rain.”
“AUGH! YOU DO THIS ON PURPOSE, MOTHER! NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!”
Mark peers out the window, “I see clouds, but it’s not supposed to rain. Maj, let’s just go with the last thing the weather told us. The clouds are going to clear up and it’s going to be sunny.”
Maj slumps, “You think?”
Mark opens the door and shoves Maj out, “Has the weather ever steered us wrong before?”
I lean to whisper to Kallan, “Yes, actually. On countless occasions.”
Kallan shrieks with laughter and runs out to the car, her raincoat flapping behind her.
Maj climbs in after her.
Mark pauses as he locks the front door to the house, and he turns to me, “Do you really think it’s going to rain? It sort of feels like it’s going to rain.”
“Yes, I think it’s going to rain.”
“It’s colder out here than I expected it to be.”
“That’s because of the impending storm.”
He considers and then comes to a decision, “Nope. No, it’s not going to rain. The weather said it isn’t going to rain.”
“Whatever.”
We are less than ten minutes into our trip when it begins to rain.
Mark turns on the windshield wipers, “Where the heck did this rain come from?”
I stare at him, “You are a dumb-ass.”
The rain begins to fall in earnest, by which I mean the day melts into monsoon.
Maj leans forward in the van to show us her iPod screen, “The weather is back! Guess what?”
Mark looks back at her, “What?”
“It’s going to rain all day.”
Mark pounds on the steering wheel, “Well, that’s just great. I’m wearing shorts! I dressed for sun!”
Maj refreshes the page, “Yep. Rain all day.” She reaches to pat Mark’s shoulder, “It’s OK, Daddy. We had no way of knowing.”
I turn to stare at her, “Seriously, Maj?”
Dumb-ass.
