My children, out of context and on vacation . . . .
1) OK, seriously . . . could that man’s muscly legs be spread any further apart? Tell him to scissor those puppies together so that Mexican family has a place to put their piñata.
2) Here’s the plan . . . wait until the senior-citizen fountain-protector police guy drives away in his golf cart and then pretend we are all deaf and water-loving.
3) OK, I am traumatized for my literal life. Daddy just said he is holding his hands that way so he can play with his man-boobs.
4) Maybe if we send Daddy down to the lobby wrapped in nothing but a towel, he can flirt us up some breakfast.
5) Tell that man not to talk to me, because the next thing I say to him is going to be a full-on rampage.
6) Mommy just bit my head in the elevator!
7) Could you just tell everyone to stop speaking Chinese? They are annoying me. What? OK, Spanish . . . whatever.
8) Why must I assume obesity? This is taxing my abilities in an already stressful situation.
9) Good lord . . . I am never having babies . . . somebody muzzle that horrid thing.
10) If a wing falls off this plane, I am going to be so crabby at you for offering these meaningless and condescending platitudes. Seriously, I will take you to a whole new ground-level of rage.
11) What I want is a word with the power to end a conversation in its tracks. I would say that word and all the stupid people in the world would be silenced. What? My word would be “Balderdash.” Obviously.
12) This hotel is sadly lacking in lairs.
13) So basically, fingernails are like little previews of death?
14) What do you mean, we have no hand-sanitizer? What sort of cult of lax have you joined, Mother?
15) OK, you have done a lot of embarrassing things during my time with you, but I would just like to take this moment to thank you for not being the sort of woman who bounces when she claps. Yikes.
16) Hmmm . . . look at this one . . . and this one . . . delete, delete, delete . . . I am thinking surreptitious should not be the number-one box you check when listing the qualities you want in a photographer . . . you are a woman in need of some serious notice.
17) How was I to know the “stingray shuffle” was just sliding your feet along the underwater sand to avoid being stung by a stingray? It sounds like dancing is required. Shut up.
18) If my life from this point on was to be a musical, I would need a lot of songs about dessert-deprivation.
19) If someone ever decides to declare his love for me by carving my name on the side of a cactus, let’s hope he is a man who understands irony.
20) I am dubious about this whole seat-cushion-as-flotation-device, Mother. Yes . . . put me down as dubious. We all know if we hit the water, it will be like hitting concrete at a velocity of doom whilst contained in a ball of liquid-metal inferno . . . and floating in that situation . . . well, let’s just say it will be moot.
21) What? I simply speak the truth.
22) Yes, well . . . you just wear your denial as a life-jacket . . . see how floaty that is.
23) So now I am in trouble? How do I never see this coming?
24) I blame poor parenting.
25) What? Always.