It’s Mark’s 50th birthday today.
So this is for my daughters . . .
A handsome man is not like other men.
A handsome man is always right, even when he is wrong.
A handsome man is more than you deserve; treat the handsome man as though he is better than you, because he is.
Always think to yourself . . . What does my handsome man want?
Always be on the lookout for ways to please your handsome man.
Do not speak to a handsome man of tiresome responsibilities and obligations; a handsome man is busy being handsome, and that is enough.
When a handsome man is angry at you, know that you have erred.
If a handsome man harms you, apologize for your sins, which are grievous.
If a handsome man is only nice to you because he wants something? Know your place.
A handsome man knows you want him, and this gives him power, and power is good. Revel in your lesser status.
A handsome man enjoys toys . . . do not resist. The handsome man, if he is in the mood, knows how to make you happy.
A handsome man is displeased by your refusal . . . the word NO enrages a handsome man. Deny a handsome man his desires at your own peril.
No one is the boss of a handsome man. No one.
Do not manhandle a handsome man unless you are prepared for him to handle you in whatever manner he sees fit.
When a handsome man makes a request, do his bidding. Quickly, so as to not anger him with your stupidity.
A handsome man occasionally leaves a wet spot. Do not ask questions.
A handsome man is not averse to a bit of role-play . . . Bring on the costumes, baby.
Given the choice between a carrot and a stick, a handsome man will always choose the stick. Always.
A handsome man is not afraid to admit that he would like to lick pancake syrup from the bottom of your foot; he is handsome-man enough to own his desires.
Do not ask to lick pancake syrup from the foot of a handsome man, as that is out of the question.
A handsome man is not averse to the use of restraints, but if a handsome man is hogtied and hung in the air, this constitutes an improper use of said restraints, and there will be consequences.
A handsome man will revenge-vomit if the situation calls for such a response.
A handsome man is not above administering a good dose of pouty averted-eyes silent-treatment.
A handsome man requires a lot of personal grooming. Do not interrupt a handsome man while he is attending to matters of grooming.
A handsome man’s breath is always sweet, no matter what he has eaten; do not turn away from the kiss of a handsome man.
A handsome man will stand by your side only until something more interesting appears to capture his attention; try to always be the most interesting thing in his world.
A handsome man should be consulted on all issues that affect the handsome man; your life will be simpler if you stop to ask permission before acting.
Leaving a handsome man home alone is asking for trouble.
Do not interrupt a handsome man when he is talking.
A handsome man will bite the hand that feeds him; try not to take it personally.
A handsome man is all that and a bag of chips. Wait . . . are there chips?
“Mom, I am dying of giggling! Tell the people they need to read these all out loud in a big deep voice of bossy handsomeness.”
Maj leans to read what Kallan and I have written, “You two are ridiculous.”
Kallan giggles some more, “Mom, you should write more posts as Jack. I love when Jack talks!”
Jack is our smaller badly behaved dog, the Lakeland Terrier.
Jack is a handsome man.