I walk into the kitchen to find Kallan eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs as the two dogs watch attentively. Persie the Labrador lies heavily on the ground, her face between her paws, while Jack the badly behaved Lakeland Terrier bounces on prancy feet. Kallan takes a bite of cereal, “The dogs are secret agents this morning.”
“Secret agents of breakfast begging?”
She giggles, “They are on top of the situation, and if something goes wrong? They are here to be sure that the world never knows of Operation Cocoa Puff.” Kallan carefully drops a single ball of chocolate crunchiness onto the floor, and Jack lunges forward to slobber and snap at the ground, “See? The world is not ready for the Cocoa Puff truth . . . they’re here to be sure the situation is contained.”
I point to Persie, who has not moved, “What exactly is her role?”
“Vigilabby is here as back-up, in case Steve gets distracted from his duties.”
“Vigilabby and Steve?”
“Mmm hmm . . . those are their secret-agent names.”
I reach to scoop the wriggling frantic terrier into my arms, “This is Agent Steve?”
Kallan reaches to rumple the curly fur between his ears, and he cranes eagerly forward for her attention. She speaks for the dog in a sexy manly voice of superspyness, “Hello, my name is Steve. Steve Terrier, Secret Agent — On the job and on the ladies and at . . . your . . . service.”
“On the job and on the ladies?”
Kallan raises one flirty eyebrow and speaks seductively, still Steve, “Hey, beautiful. How you doing?”
“Kallan, you are a crazy person.”
She giggles delightedly, “I KNOW!”
Together, Kallan and I imagine a world in which the terrier talks about himself in the 3rd person, like Snoopy if Snoopy were a deranged sexually-charged agent of mischief . . .
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, alert to the ever-present danger of attack by evil-doers.
Jack, stop barking at the neighbors! They are allowed to take out their garbage! Stop barking!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, searching for clues to evil-doing, careful to leave behind no evidence of his visit.
Jack, get out of her room. Get off of her bed! Stop jumping on her pillow! What is that, a cereal bar? There are crumbs everywhere! Get out of her backpack!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent and master of disguise.
Mommy, Jack is wearing Daddy’s underwear on his head again!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent and also vicious cold-blooded hitman.
Ok, so far this week Jack has murdered the vacuum, two oven mitts, a bottle of Windex, and a roll of paper towels . . . we have the most expensive dog in the world.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, refusing to submit to terrorist threats.
Did you just try to bite me? Oh, I know you did not just try to bite me.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, building up his system’s immunity to poison just in case evildoers try to evildo him in with poison.
UGH! Stop eating cat poo! What is wrong with you?
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, destroying the secret documents before they fall into enemy hands.
In no other family do people get to truthfully report that the dog ate their homework. Sorry about that . . . want me to write a note to your teacher?
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, shadowing a possible spy, so stealthy that she is completely unaware of Steve Terrier’s presence.
Oh my god, Jack. Stop following Persie the Lab around with your nose up her butt. You are scaring her. She is trying to walk peacefully around the house, and she does not want you all up in her business. Stop it.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, hanging out at the superspy dance club, looking for a little frisky danger-snuggle.
Dismount the Bichon-Frise! DISMOUNT THE BICHON-FRISE!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, on the prowl and ready for action.
Damn it, stop barking!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, captured in the melee following what will henceforth be known as The Toothpaste Incident.
You can just spend the rest of your life on a leash, idiot dog.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, turning on the charm for his captor, knowing that this particular female evildoer finds his beggy-face and fluffy underbelly completely irresistible.
Fine. You can go. Behave.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, announcing his triumphant release to the world.
STOP BARKING.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, indignant and trussed, his right to free speech completely stifled.
I will take off the muzzle when you promise to stop barking.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, looking for love in all the wrong places. Steve Terrier does enjoy a little sexytime. Helloooo, beautiful.
STOP HUMPING MY FOOT! You are neutered, for god’s sake. Stop humping my foot!
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, taking advantage of a moment of down-time to clean his weapon.
Ewwwww. Mommy, Jack’s licking himself with crazy enthusiasm again. Ugh, make him put that thing away.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, alert to the imminent arrival of yellow doom.
Stop barking! That’s the school bus! STOP BARKING! Go in the back yard and play.
Kallan runs out with her sister to catch the bus, “Bye, Mommy!”
“Bye, Kallan.”
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, seeking reentry across the border and also medical attention, having pranced in toxic poo of his own creation.
Seriously, Jack?
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, injured in the line of duty, being tended to by a less than sympathetic nurse.
Did you just try to bite me, shit-footed dog?
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, being water-boarded by said unsympathetic nurse who is apparently an assassin slash torturer slash evildoer with a potty mouth.
Motherfucking idiot dog.
Here’s Steve Terrier, world-famous secret agent, who does not take kindly to harsh treatment or insults, plotting his revenge.
Uh oh.
The dog?
Is insane.
Also, I am a crazy person.
I KNOW!
