Quondam

November 2012
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Peep Gangster

Kallan swoops into the room and lays a gentle beseeching hand along my cheek, “Sweet woman who gave me life, may I please have a handful of marshmallows?”

Maj interrupts before I can answer, “No, Kallan. No, you may not have marshmallows. It’s almost time for bed and also you did not eat much of your dinner. No treats for you.”

I laugh and tilt my head to kiss Kallan’s hand, “Yes, you can have a handful of marshmallows.”

She dances away into the kitchen, and Maj chastises me, “Aren’t you even going to set a limit on the number of marshmallows she can eat? What sort of mother are you?”

I lean to look into the kitchen, “Kallan, take a reasonable amount.”

Through a mouthful of marshmallows, Kallan says, “Ombeeussswee.”

Maj leaps off the couch and runs into the kitchen, “Oh my god, Kallan. If Mother will not parent you, I will step into the breach.”

“Whaps a bwreecchh?”

“Stop talking with your mouth full. You are disgusting me.”

“Goobwess noes I down wan dwisguss yuub.”

“STOP SUGAR-TALKING. Here. You can have this many marshmallows plus the ones you stuffed in your face before I got here.”

“Pwus dis hanbfwull.”

“Whatever. Go away, hoggish girl-child.”

Kallan runs off and Maj appears in the doorway, “Can I have some marshmallows?”

“Nope.”

“ARE YOU INSANE?”

I shake my head, “It’s too close to bedtime.”

“Please?”

“Goofball. Of course you can have some marshmallows.”

She turns happily back into the kitchen, “This may take a minute, because I have to try to estimate the capacity of Kallan’s mouth and multiply by two and then add the marshmallows I gave her.”

“Whatever.”

She speaks as she collects her marshmallows, “I just do not even understand why I am the only one in the house who sees the need for fairness. People go around saying Life’s not fair like it’s no big deal when it is a big deal. Oh, it is a very big deal, I tell you. Fairness is to be coveted. Strived for. Desired. That’s why I’m taking the perfect amount of marshmallows – equal to the amount I gave my sister.”

“Maj, stop talking about marshmallows.”

She continues as though I have not spoken, “Yes, the same amount as Kallan plus . . . trwoo eggstra uns stummppfed en my mowff fur the abgravatshun.”

Snort.

Maj appears in the doorway, holds up a finger to indicate I should wait as she chews and swallows, and then she holds up the small bowl of remaining marshmallows, “Can I melt these in the microwave?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s almost time for bed and because melted marshmallows are a sticky mess.”

She stares at me, “What if I hadn’t asked you? What if I had just stuck them in the microwave and melted them?”

“That would have been fine.”

“But because I asked you, I can’t melt them?”

“That’s correct.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Listen, Maj. We have had this discussion about a billion times. You don’t need to ask permission for every tiny thing, but if you ask permission, sometimes the answer is no.”

“And then I have to abide by that answer?”

“Not much point in stopping to ask the question if you are going to ignore the answer, right?”

“I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS STATE OF AFFAIRS. NO I WILL NOT. I AM TAKING A MAJ-STAND AGAINST ARBITRARY REFUSAL OF MINOR REQUESTS, MOTHER. YOU HAVE BEEN THUSLY INFORMED.”

“Fine, carry on with your bad self.”

She disappears into the kitchen, “I AM REBELLING, MOTHER! MAKE A NOTE OF THE DATE AND TIME AND YEAR – THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN REBELLOSITY BEFELL THE MAJ.”

“Oh for god’s sake.”

“I AM PUTTING THE MARSHMALLOWS IN THE MICROWAVE AND I AM MELTING THEM AND I CANNOT BE STOPPED. LISTEN TO THE BEEPING NOISES OF A DECISION BRAVELY MADE, MOTHER!”

Beep boop boop beep . . .

“I AM LIVING ON THE EDGE OF WILDERNESS, MOTHER!”

Boop . . .

“I AM A REBEL!”

I sigh, “Oh no . . . anything but that.”

“I AM EATING STRINGY STICKY MELTY MARSHMALLOWS, MOTHER! LIKE A GANGSTER, MOTHER! LIKE A PEEP GANGSTER!”

“A peep gangster?”

She calls out helpfully, “Gangster because of the lessness of the law and Peep because of the marshmallow treat that goes by that name.”

“Peep Gangster Maj – that’s pretty awesome.”

She wanders into the room, sticky sugar-whiteness strung in liquid candied ribbons from the bowl to her mouth in obnoxious fashion. She smacks her lips, “Rebellion tastes delicious, Mother!”

I wave her away, “Take that into the kitchen. You’re all sticky and ridiculous.”

She smacks her lips again, her face connected to the bowl by marshmallow strings, “Illicit is a taste sensation, Mother! Why did you not speak to me of the delights of misbehavior before now, Mother?”

“You are a loon.”

“Take my picture, Mother! I want to remember this moment in which I truly lived.”

“Fine.” I take out my iPhone and snap a few pictures.

She leans to check the images, “Excellent.” She struggles with another spoonful of the sticky goop, “Blog that photo and die, by the way. Blog it and die.”

“Your secret is safe with me. Sort of.”

She stares at me, “Tell the people of the lessness of the law, Mother.”

Done.

    25 comments to Peep Gangster

    • OK, and now I am eating a handful of marshmallows.

      What?

    • Oh no! Marshmallow rebellion! What’s next?

      The door less lawness has opened wide. Beware peeps! Beware!

      • Snort. You know how people refer to their followers/readers as “peeps?”

        I have never done that.

        But now I am giggling.

        Beware peeps! Beware!

    • KLM

      Its the beginning of the end. Maj has rebelled.

      • As far as I am concerned, she is rebellious ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

        But she sees that rebelliousness as her mere attempts to correct the other members of the family. We fuck up a lot. Apparently.

        Marshmallow-melting is true rebellosity, according to the Maj.

        Hee hee.

    • Jessica

      Two of my favorite bloggers post two awesome marshmallow posts in one day, I had to share. Here is what your past looked like:

      e-tells-tales.com/2012/11/marshmallow-giving_27

    • a snowsprite

      Maj is rebelling? Alert the press! Or would that be you? Hahahaha!
      Also, I love marshmallows. hee hee

    • If the Peep Gangster followed the marshmallow rebellion with a visit to the pooping tree, you may need to call in the National Guard.

    • Mmm marshmallows.

      Tell the Peep Gangsta I said “What up, yo?”

      I know you love it when we talk gangster around here.

      Fo’ shizzle.

      Hee hee!

    • "OG" Axel

      Kris, you’ll sooooo thank me for this later. Or never. Love ya~!

      Twas the nizzle before Christmizzle, and all through the hizzle…
      Not a creature was stirring, not even a mizzle.
      Fo shizzle.
      All were awaiting Sizzle Clause and his bag
      To bring the good homies and hoes their swag

      The chizzles were nizzled all snizzle in their bizzles
      While visions of sizzle-pizzles danced in their hizzles
      And mamma in her ker-chizzle and me in my cizzle
      Had just sizzled our brizzles for a long wizzle nizzle

      When out on the lizzle their arizzle such a clizzle
      I sprizzle from the bizzle to see what was the mizzle
      Away to the wizzle I flew like a flizzle
      Tore open the shizzle and thizzle up the sizzle

      The mizzle on the brizzle of the nizzle-fizzle snizzle
      Gave the lizzle of mid-dizzle to objects belizzle
      When, what to my wondizzling eyes should apizzle
      But a miniature slizzle and eight tizzle reindizzle

      With a lizzle old drizzle, so lizzle and quizzle
      I knew in a mizzle it must be St Nizzle
      More rizzle than eagles his coursers their cizzle
      And he whizzled and shizzled and cizzled them by nizzle!

      “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prizzle and Vizzle!
      On Comet! On Cupid! On Dizzle and Blizzle!
      To the top of the window! To the top of the wall!
      ‘Till the sweat drips from my balls, dash away all!”

      As dry lizzle that before the hurricizzle flizzle,
      When they meet an obstacizzle, mount to the skizzle!
      So up to the hizzle-tizzle the cizzle they flizzle
      With a slizzle full of tizzle, and St Nicolizzle too!

      And then in a twizzle I heard on the rizzle
      The prizzle and pizzle of each lizzle hizzle
      As I drizzle in my hizzle, and was tizzle arizzle
      Down the chizzle St Nicolizzle cizzle with a bizzle!

      He was dressed all in fur, from his cizzle to his fizzle,
      And his clothes were all tarnizzled with ashizzle and sizzle
      A bizzle of tizzles he had flizzle on his bizzle
      And he lizzled like a pizzle, just opizzling his pizzle!

      His eyes, how they twizzled! His dizzles how mizzle!
      His chizzles were like rizzles, his nizzle like a chizzle!
      His drizzle little mizzle was drizzle up like a bizzle!
      And the bizzle of his chizzle was as whizzle as the snizzle!

      The stizzle of his pizzle he hizzled tizzle in his tizzle
      And the snizzle it encizzled his hizzle like a wrizzle
      He had a brizzle fizzle and a lizzle rizzle bizzle
      That shizzled when he lizzled, like a bizzle fizzle of jizzle!

      He was chizzle and plizzle, a rizzle jizzle old ezzle
      And I lizzled when I sizzled hizzle, in spizzle of mysizzle!
      A wizzle of his izzle, and a twizzle of his hizzle
      Soon gizzle me to knizzle I hizzle nizzle to drizzle

      He spizzled nizzle a wizzle, but wizzled strizzle tizzle hizzle wizzle
      And fizzled all the stizzles, thizzle tizzled wizzle a jizzle!
      And lizzle his fizzle asizzle his nizzle
      And gizzle a nizzle, up the chizzle he rizzle!

      He sprizzle to his slizzle, to his tizzle gizzle a whizzle,
      And awizzle they all flizzle lizzle thizzle dizzle of a thizzle
      But I hizzle hizzle exclizzle, ‘ere he drizzle out of sizzle,

      “HIZZLE CHRIZZLE TIZZLE IZZLE, AND TIZZLE IZZLE IZZLE GIZZLE-NIZZLE!”

    • Every time I read stories of your kids, I feel like mine are the ones from the movie “Parenthood” with the bucket on their head.

      Seriously. It’s like they’re 40. Even *I* don’t act that mature.

      • Only Maj.

        Not Kallan, who I recently discovered spent $20.00 on cookies, 50 cents at a time, using a debit lunch-card she was specifically told to use only for lunches.

        Her explanation?

        Identity theft.

        Snort.