Quondam

December 2012
M T W T F S S
« Nov   Jan »
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  

I would so ban us

“Let’s get some chicken. Grab a bag of those breaded chicken breasts.”

“Mother, I hate that kind of chicken.”

“What? We buy that kind of chicken all the time.”

“I hate it. The chicken has little lumps of fat and tendon and gristle and oddly colored meat, and all of those objectionable parts must be removed before I can take a bite.”

“OK, seriously . . . we buy that kind of chicken all the time.”

“I am taking a stand against it.”

“Fine. Choose a different kind of chicken. I don’t care. Pick something you’ll eat.”

“Where’s the pure white?”

“Excuse me?”

“The pure white. I require nothing less than pure white.”

“Babe, I don’t know. Just pick some chicken. Pick a bag that says All White Meat.”

“Yeah, they claim to be all-white, but there is contamination from the dark.”

“Seriously? Do you know how odd you sound right now? Could you just try to sound normal?”

“One little bit of darkness and the white is ruined. I REQUIRE PURE WHITE.”

“Yeah, that’s much better. Awkwardness . . . party of two!”

“No way I want the darkness of besmirchment to touch these lips.”

“How we are not banned from more places, I will never understand. Do you know how unbelievably obnoxious those banned folks must be?”

“WOULD YOU EAT THE DIRTY SNOW? NO, YOU WOULD NOT. PURE WHITE IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE OPTION.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“WOULD YOU SIT TO CREATE A SKETCHFUL MASTERPIECE UPON A SCRIBBLED AND ERASURED PAGE? NO, YOU WOULD NOT, AND WHY?”

“I am going to pretend that I am not with you.”

“BECAUSE PURE WHITE IS REQUIRED TO CREATE A MASTERPIECE.”

“I do not even know you.”

“WHERE IS THE PURE WHITE? I MUST HAVE PURE WHITE! NOTHING LESS THAN PURE WHITE WILL SATISFY ME. NOTHING LESS THAN PURE WHITE IS WORTH ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.”

“Oh . . . my . . . god. Do you know how lucky you are to be standing in quite-whitish Lake Oswego at this moment? Sweetie, you are going to get your ass kicked talking like that.”

“DO NOT IMPINGE ON MY QUEST FOR PURE WHITE PERFECTION.”

“You’re like a Hitler Youth of chicken.”

“THE NEED FOR PURE WHITENESS DOES NOT MAKE ME HITLER YOUTHY.”

“OK, do you even hear yourself? When you speak, are you aware that words are coming out and that others can hear them?”

“I WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS THAN UNADULTERATED WHITENESS.”

“If I owned this store, I would so ban us.”

“WHERE ARE YOU, PURE WHITE?”

“I have now officially disowned you. Look, I have walked a small circle of ending around you, just like Latka and Simka did on that episode of Taxi one time when they divorced. Ta dah! I am free of you.”

“What on earth are you talking about, Mother? Why are you walking around me?”

“I am free! Yay! Freedom is amazing!”

“STOP BEING ALL GIDDY AND HELP ME ON MY QUEST FOR WHITENESS!”

“How about that bag of chicken right there?”

“Tyson chicken? TYSON? Tyson is not a white name, Mother. I do not trust Tyson with my whiteness needs.”

“Seriously, I would so ban us.”

    36 comments to I would so ban us

    • Oh, I can hear the crosses burning.

      Tape recorder, then play it back for her.
      Also, too funny.

    • "OG" Axel

      Star Wars- Revenge of the Chicken
      > Embrace the dark side of the chicken force. Luke, I am your drumstick!
      > NO! I will never turn towards the dark meat!

      Okay, nerded out there for a sec.

      Wasn’t Tyson investigated for animal cruelty? They got caught biting ears off the birds.

      • “Luke, I am your drumstick?”

        YOU ARE SUCH A NERD, babe.

        And do you know it took me the count of three to figure out what the hell you were talking about there at the end?

        Hee hee.

        I need either coffee or alcohol . . .

        Me

    • steph

      Taxi references for the WIN! I was joking around the other day and threw myself on the couch and told my husband to “peel me like a grape,” complete with Simka accent. Ahem. The look he gave me was classic. Then I had to sit up and explain the whole thing. Just love Carol Kane. Luckily there wasn’t much of a mood to start with because all that explaining would have totally killed it.

    • You don’t want to attract insane people?

      Um.

      I think you’re a little late for that, Kris.

      Heh.

      • You know the crazy Hitler-used-to-be-youths I mean.

        Regular crazy is always welcome.

        Hello, you.

        • "OG" Axel

          Some of us are plain old sociopaths that have disappeared into the background while others are extra-crispy-golden-outside-creamy-inside-with-sprinkles bonkers.

          Why do I want fried ice cream right now? Now I want creme brulee with the hard crusty sugar layer… I’m so confused.

          • I told you I have been reading the whoismcafee blog, right?

            Talk about your “extra-crispy-golden-outside-creamy-inside-with-sprinkles bonkers.”

            Oh my god.

            So awesome.

    • Jess

      Normal is boring. A shopping trip with Maj sounds like a lot of fun as long as you’re in a silly mood.

      Also, I am so with her on the chicken issue. Not the color of the meat part. I’m a fan of dark bird meat. I mean the gristle and fatty bits. Those parts must be removed before dining begins. They are rounded up and moved to the special camp set up on my napkin.

      • Shopping with Maj sounds like a lot of fun as long as you’re in a silly mood?

        Yes.

        That.

        Exactly that.

        God help me when I am not feeling silly.

        Ack.

    • Mishelle

      I used to love Taxi… it was so easy to watch. Well, you never had to think much – it was like ice cream you just enjoy it you don’t have to think of plot twists or who murdered who.

      If you have a lot of those conversations in stores I’m surprised you are allowed in many stores. I can hear the conversations now..

      “Oh Christ! It’s them”
      “What? Who?”
      “Those 2 females there” gesturing to the video image on the security screen “The ones with the Mother trying valiantly to look like she is not with the other younger female.”
      “Oh! I enjoy those guys!! I’m going downstairs to follow them through the store!” Wait – where’s the 3rd one?”
      “Christ, there are going to be people bitching and moaning about them and I’m just not able to deal with that today….”
      “Bob – she’s talking about white being best – this is the BEST I’ve heard in weeks!! Go get the video cam!! Priceless!!”

      Just priceless…

    • Jessica

      Even though I wouldn’t use the term pure whiteness in public, I agree with Maj.

      I loathe dark meat, gristle, veins, fat, anything that can’t easily be cut out with a knife. Ideally, I don’t want to cut anything out. Once I hit anything even remotely questionable, I begin to dry heave, and I stop eating my chicken.

      I pretty much no longer prepare chicken for dinner, but you should have seen it when I did. Rubber gloves and a pile of “questionable” bits that my husband deemed perfectly fine. I would be a terrible surgeon.

      Also, I used to be vegan.

      • Maj says to tell you that if you are unwilling to use the phrase “pure whiteness” in public, you are not fully committed to whiteness.

        Honest to god, a quote from her as she read your comment.

        Also?

        Maj would make a terrible surgeon, what with the barfing into open wounds and all.

        Ahem.

      • Jess

        I do the same thing when preparing raw chicken. I cut away almost half of it and the rest is in tiny blocks so I’m sure there’s nothing icky in there. My husband thinks I’m nuts but always wants me to do it because every bite of chicken is then perfect. Maybe it’s a Jessica thing.

        • Do you wear rubber gloves whilst preparing raw chicken?

          Just wondering.

          Because I maybe do.

          Ahem.

          Signed,

          Maj’s mom

          • Jess

            No, because I worry that chemicals from the rubber will stick to the chicken and then I’ll convince myself that the chicken tastes like gloves. I do wash my hands at least 3 times after cutting the chicken with the water as hot as I can stand it. If I splash myself while washing my hands then I’ll change clothes because they’ve been contaminated with chicken juice.

            We do not eat chicken often.

    • Megs

      I wonder if Maj is aware of how awesome of a mother you are to her? My mother would have told me to get a whole chicken, then made me figure out how to get the perfect cut of meat off of it. Much grossness (I must buy my chicken in unidentifiable parts personally).

      • Maj has been certain from the beginning that she has been entrusted to a mother who is not up to the task of properly parenting her.

        Sigh.

        She has NO appreciation of my awesomeness.

        Maj is pretty sure her real mother is out there somewhere alphabetizing the cans in her pantry.

        Hee hee.

    • RocketGrl

      I think hubby would agree with Maj.

      He watched me make chicken soup from leftover baked chicken. Once. He has not eaten homemade chicken soup since. Oddly, he will eat it from a can. Do they come from different types of chickens?

      He was raised in Beaverton. Maybe it’s an Oregon thing. ;-)
      - RocketGrl
      … of Northern California

      • Hee hee.

        Maj hates to watch the preparation of meat . . . period.

        ARE YOU CUTTING OFF THE FAT? CUT OFF ALL OF THE FAT. IS THAT A MUSCLE? I’M NOT EATING MUSCLE. NO MUSCLE AND NO FAT AND EWWWWWW THAT’S DISGUSTING CAN I JUST EAT SALAD?

        And she wasn’t born in Oregon.

        At our house, at least, it’s a Maj thing.

        Me

    • Haven

      I must know… Did Maj finally find chicken that satisfied her need for white purity and perfection?

    • Have you had chicken with Maj in a restaurant? We tried to eat out with Xavier, and ordered the chicken. And oh the screams of “I CAN’T EAT THAT!” Because of some little area of purple where the chicken was indeed cooked, but a bone had laid against the skin, so, purpley.

      THe table next to us could not get over the show that was us.

      • The other day, we were in Washington for the day, and we stopped at this cute little diner . . . all silver and 1950-ish.

        Maj walked in the door and said, in a big booming voice of horror, “THIS PLACE IS DISGUSTING! WHERE ARE THEIR HAIRNETS? WHERE ARE THEIR GLOVES! THIS PLACE IS DISGUSTING!”

        I had to take her outside in the freezing cold and turn back imaginary time so we could try again.

        Sigh.

        Chicken? Nope, we don’t do chicken for Maj in public unless it is nuggeted.

        People love us!

        Maybe.