Pretty All True

Unyielding mint

Kris — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 02:07:19 +0000

We’re out and about today, and Mark buys this ridiculously large box of Junior Mints. You know . . . chocolate outside, creamy mint on the inside.

Those.

And so we’re driving, and it’s my job to hand these candies out.

Which is lovely, because it affords me the opportunity to surreptitiously squeeze each ...Unyielding mint

Scribbled and dark

Kris — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:33:15 +0000

First?

That crazy juggling woman over there to the right of this screen? Click on her. My ego needs stroking, and I am all annoyed every time I go to that fucking Top Mommy Blogs site and see myself losing to giveaway-review-coupon blogs.

Seriously . . . everyone above me is a free-shit whore.

...Scribbled and dark

Silvered delirium

Kris — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 19:13:36 +0000

I have lost my wedding ring.

It’s not really lost. It’s around here somewhere.

It’s kind of lost.

Sigh.

I should not be trusted with small valuable items.

I have a long history of irresponsibility where my wedding ring is concerned.

Not long after I got married?

I get sick, and I decide to ...Silvered delirium

Expectations exceeded

Kris — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:10:40 +0000

The other day at Target, the girls and I did their back-to-school shopping. On the list? New backpacks for both girls.

Kallan quickly collects all of the smaller items on her list and then announces she would like to buy a ball with her own money. She runs off to select the perfect bouncy ...Expectations exceeded

Just add water to make sauce

Kris — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:07:15 +0000

Last night. Mark and I are side by side, both at our desks. Both at our computers.

Mark is all thoughtful, “Who do you know who you could call a crew slut?”

“Excuse me?”

“That would be a great thing to write about. You know . . . that Frank Zappa song?”

“Ummm . ...Just add water to make sauce

Fists of doom

Kris — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 18:11:13 +0000

I have mentioned our smaller stupid dog.

Jack the terrier has many issues. Among them? A deep-seated hatred of all oven mitts.

I am not even kidding. I don’t know what went on in his early puppyhood, but he?

Is all kinds of fucked up.

The most hated oven mitts? A large rubber glove-like ...Fists of doom

Bad news for you

Kris — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:56:05 +0000

“Mother!”

“Yes, Maj?”

“Mother! I need help, Mother! Kallan is way too energetic! Help me!”

I walk into the room, and Maj is sitting on the couch knitting.

And Kallan is whirling and twirling around her sister like she’s a tether ball and Maj is the pole to which she is attached. ...Bad news for you

Slobber-filled view

Kris — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 02:28:08 +0000

Mark woke this morning determined that we were going to take a road trip. Go touch some nature. Walk in some water. Throw some rocks. Climb some hills and enjoy the view. Drive.

Mark was all cheerful.

The rest of us stared at him crankily. We did not feel inclined to touch nature. We ...Slobber-filled view

Instead of where I was

Kris — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:24:23 +0000

Migraines suck.

It has been a shitty day here, and my head likes to celebrate shitty days by trying to kill me. Because, really? What better finale could there possibly be?

It’s like the fireworks display on the 4th of July . . .

“There’s some shit. And more explosions of shit. And ooooooh ...Instead of where I was

Cruel poetry

Kris — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 20:10:42 +0000

I was watching Project Runway the other day, in which aspiring clothing designers compete in a reality show competition. Not one of my favorite shows, but I was sitting there all lazy and watching it. And Tim Gunn, whose job it is to make all of the competing designers feel insecure about their work ...Cruel poetry

Don’t you see?

Kris — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:22:41 +0000

OK, someone in my real life, but who is not in my day-to-day life, recently said to me . . .

“I can’t read your blog anymore. I know you’re just making stuff up to be a writer, and if I read all of these lies? It will influence my idea of who you ...Don’t you see?

Endless loop of stupid

Kris — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 19:04:00 +0000

Kallan bought one of those ridiculous wheels of gum . . . Hubba Bubba. Big pink plastic container that opens to allow you to unspool lengths of pink sugary chewiness. She had friends over yesterday, and she didn’t want to share the gum with them. And so she left the container of gum here ...Endless loop of stupid

Hands down

Kris — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 18:18:30 +0000

Babies freak me out.

I am not a baby person.

I loved my own babies, more than I would have thought possible.

But in general? I am not a baby person.

When someone hands me a baby? I tend to hold it as though the mother has asked me to hold her purse as ...Hands down

Potential Emergencies

Kris — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 02:02:44 +0000

I am trying to sit quietly on the couch in the moments before we head out to a family picnic being hosted by the girls’ soapbox racing friends. I am quiet, but Maj’s pants are too loose and apparently? Much yelling is required.

They are the sort of pants that have an adjustable waistband, ...Potential Emergencies

Lodging a complaint

Kris — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 01:52:59 +0000

Dear Power Company,

I am sending you this letter to request immediate corrective action on our household’s power account.

I have never written to you before, even though I have had minor issues in the past with your services. Despite the fact that some of those issues were alarming at first, our past power ...Lodging a complaint

Triggered

Kris — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 18:25:46 +0000

Someone spoke to me of triggers the other day.

They meant memory triggers.

That experience when something in your current life suddenly flashes connectively to some earlier part of your life that you had not been considering at all . . . and now it is all that you can see. And then that ...Triggered

Porn cooler

Kris — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:06:35 +0000

As sometimes happens?

My brain is empty.

As always happens? When I mention this fact to Mark? He annoys the shit out of me.

Here’s me . . .

“OK, so I have nothing to say today.”

He swivels in his chair and stares at me, and then he says, “Well, if it was ...Porn cooler

Crazy Love

Kris — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 19:11:42 +0000

Driving in the car.

We are about 15 minutes into what will likely be a 30 minute trip.

Maj is hungry and because she is Maj? She will not shut up about it.

I have a box of dog treats I carry in the car for just this sort of occasion, and I offer ...Crazy Love

Angelly goodness

Kris — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 19:13:01 +0000

At the dinner table last night. Mark made pork schnitzel.

The word schnitzel creeps me out, but it was way yummy.

Salad and bread complete the meal.

Kallan is suspicious, “Why are Maj and I the only ones eating bread?”

Mark takes a bite of salad, “What?”

Kallan turns to Maj, “You and I ...Angelly goodness

Spillage

Kris — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:50:41 +0000

There is going to be spillage.

A huge fucking mess.

And even though I know this? I take no steps to avoid the future catastrophe.

Something about the danger of that moment just before the chaos and insanity?

Appeals to me.

That thrill.

In the background as I sip my coffee and contemplate the ...Spillage

No-Backsies

Kris — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 20:12:04 +0000

OK, so yesterday’s post was all deep and poignant and shit.

Which always makes the next day’s post difficult. I can’t just be poignant forever, people. All of your internet hugging would cause me to shrivel up like a salted slug.

OK, and now that image is troubling me. Because I have used that ...No-Backsies

Beneath the folds

Kris — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 21:27:42 +0000

On a short dirt road lined with tiny houses we lived.

In my memory there are eight houses lined up side by side on one side of the street, the other side of the street quickly giving way to swamp and dampness.

Maybe seven houses?

Hold on.

Oh my god . . .

...Beneath the folds

Taken up a notch

Kris — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 18:06:52 +0000

I am never late.

And for anyone out there who just read that first sentence and thought, “Ooooh . . . Kris is pregnant!”

Consider yourself internet bitch-slapped.

Not fucking even.

Anyway.

I like to be on time.

And I like others to be on time.

For those of you who know me in ...Taken up a notch

Dubious Treasures

Kris — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:11:45 +0000

My daughter comes to me with sparkling eyes and cupped hands, joy dancing across her face, “Mom! Look at the shells I collected! Look!”

She stands before me with outstretched arms and opens her hands slightly to make a larger container. So that I might see.

I lean forward to poke a finger into ...Dubious Treasures

Heavier murky air

Kris — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:06:35 +0000

Both of my girls have been taking swimming lessons at the lake for the last several weeks. One daughter has, after much time spent in terror of water, caught up with her sister in swimming ability. They are now both lovely swimmers, and my heart aches to see them glide through the water.

Flying, ...Heavier murky air

The woman he married

Kris — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 17:37:19 +0000

Tired and bleary and pulling on my robe, I step from my bedroom to the top of the stairs.

I smell coffee.

Someone who lets you stay in bed a few extra minutes while he starts the coffee and deals with the first morning angers from your daughters?

Marry that person. Seriously.

There is ...The woman he married

Remembered limbs

Kris — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 19:30:29 +0000

Yesterday morning.

I step out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.

I am naked, because otherwise? This would be a really stupid story.

“Hey, babe?”

Mark is getting dressed and he turns to me, “Yeah?”

“It is a good thing that all of my stalkers are of the on-line variety.”

“What?”

“It’s ...Remembered limbs

Daddy’s got this one

Kris — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 21:36:03 +0000

I have mentioned before how much I hate the morning. My body gets up, but it takes a while for my brain to agree to greet the day.

Sometimes, I just sit and listen as my family moves around me in the morning hours. Sip my coffee and listen.

This morning? I hear Kallan ...Daddy’s got this one

Invisible murmurs

Kris — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 20:46:03 +0000

Have you ever looked into a stranger’s eyes and just known that person?

I’m not talking about that romantic crap . . . that whole, “Our eyes met across the crowded room, and then I knew . . . “

Because that’s just bullshit.

No, I mean a smaller deeper kind of knowing.

I ...Invisible murmurs

Magic tension

Kris — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 00:15:41 +0000

I am feeling all vulnerable today.

It happens sometimes.

What’s that phrase for the overcurved surface of liquid in a glass?

That magic tension that supports and holds the water above its seeming limit.

Another sparkling drop. And another.

Until that last one falls . . . breaks the surface tension. And there is ...Magic tension

Drunk with power

Kris — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 20:35:28 +0000

Over the summer? I have tried to be a little more relaxed about schedules and chores and responsibilities. Instead of assigned chores and checklists, I have just asked the girls to help me out when I need some help.

Mostly, this has worked.

Today, it did not.

This is the story of today.

First, ...Drunk with power

Stretched taut

Kris — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 23:58:02 +0000

A Psychology professor once told me (well, not me specifically, because that would have been weird) that he had an enhanced ability to smell fear, and that the smell? Nauseated him.

And so? When it came time to administer exams, he would hand out the test materials and then flee the room. Our test-taking ...Stretched taut

Secret screaming

Kris — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 20:31:38 +0000

I am standing in the kitchen, finishing up the breakfast dishes.

From behind me, I hear a bump bump bump bump . . . something small is falling down the stairs.

Followed by stomping feet and whispered conversation.

First an urgent Maj, “Don’t tell Mom you dropped your lollipop down the stairs. She won’t ...Secret screaming

Evil triumph

Kris — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 19:34:16 +0000

“Geez, Kallan, why do we keep having this exact same conversation? You are not allowed to speak to me that way! That big rude voice and smarty-pants attitude has just got to stop. Are you listening to me?”

Kallan is sitting on the floor, all small and sad, “Yes.”

I am annoyed, and my ...Evil triumph

A tragedy in blue

Kris — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 02:16:21 +0000

I am sitting here thinking.

Trying to get lost in my thoughts.

Four little girls come thundering down the stairs to do a little dance of treat-begging before me, “Please? Can we have an Otter Pop? Please?”

“What? Sure. Take them outside. And open them outside! No mess in the house!”

“What if we ...A tragedy in blue

Endurance

Kris — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 01:34:12 +0000

I am remembering too much lately.

Pretty sure.

There is an occasional superimposition of memory. My memories drape over the events of the day, suffusing those events with shadows of the past. And I am at once transported and stuck.

We went to a small amusement park today. The girls climbed onto a ride ...Endurance

Raking it in

Kris — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 21:14:30 +0000

We took the girls to a free concert last night. Lots of people, good music, food and drinks . . . it was a lot of fun. We wandered around for a while, stood for a while along the edges of the crowd, and then decided to sit. There were no seats available (next ...Raking it in

The glue that binds

Kris — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:56:30 +0000

You know how Taco Bell sells those double-decker tacos? In which they slather a soft taco with refried beans and then bean-glue it to the exterior of a filled hard taco shell?

Yeah, that monstrosity.

Who comes up with this stuff?

We had tacos for dinner at our house last night, and Mark had ...The glue that binds

Certificates of genius

Kris — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:10:52 +0000

When I was about 8, my dad decided to retire and devote himself more fully to the development of his genius. He got some sort of fellowship from the state of Michigan to make this possible . . . welfare, I think it was called. As part of his grant, my dad was awarded ...Certificates of genius

Scattered

Kris — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 18:20:43 +0000

Our landlords are coming into town to visit with Lake Oswego friends this weekend. We have been dealing with a property management company, but the actual owners are in town this weekend. They want to come by, meet all of us, and take a look at the house.

Sigh.

Is there anything in the ...Scattered

Fleeting connections

Kris — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 17:29:51 +0000

I remember countless small accidents as a child.

Mailboxes knocked over. Lawns ruined. Animals hit.

I remember countless screaming rages from my father as he tried to get the car into gear and drive away, loudly cursing the idiots who had so carelessly placed their mailboxes, their lawns, their animals. I remember ducking low ...Fleeting connections

Otter-Pop Paws

Kris — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:10:19 +0000

I did not want to go to the stupid Oregon Brewers Festival. At all.

But we went, because I am just that fucking awesome.

And Mark really wanted to go.

Plus, my sister was there with her family, and I did want to see them.

But I didn’t want to go to the stupid ...Otter-Pop Paws

At least for me

Kris — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 03:47:50 +0000

Maj is yelling at me from the other room . . . she wants to know if there are any more comments on the interview she did for yesterday’s post.

“No, babe. I think everyone who is going to comment has commented.”

“What? Are you kidding me?”

“No, I post something new every day. ...At least for me

Maj Musings

Kris — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 21:40:02 +0000

Maj is finally feeling better this morning.

Well enough that she would like to have her say here on Pretty All True.

Kallan got to talk. It’s only fair.

We sit down on my bed, upstairs. Through the window, we can see the cherry tree. Its fruit is growing ripe, but from the ground? ...Maj Musings

Like diamonds

Kris — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 19:29:02 +0000

I love Kathy Griffin and her show My Life on the D-List.

She’s who I want to be when I grow up. Except with a family and about 3000 fewer surgical procedures. Although, guess what? She was wearing a bikini on last night’s episode . . . and she looked fucking AMAZING.

So there’s ...Like diamonds

End help

Kris — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:14:50 +0000

The girls and I, out walking in a park. A tree-filled park. We walk through the shade of countless branches and limbs, linked above our heads. Down the path we go, to the river.

We each have a stick for poking things.

As we approach the water, there is a scent in the air. ...End help

Words from Kallan

Kris — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:00:37 +0000

Maj is sick this morning. Yesterday’s metaphorical melting?

Today a reality.

So she is all sunken eyes and pale skin and sadness. Lying on the couch. Threatening to barf, refusing to eat, sipping her water, watching television.

And Kallan is hysterical with need.

It is hard to think when there is sickness on one ...Words from Kallan

Melting

Kris — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:43:20 +0000

Kallan got up early and found me sipping my coffee on the couch. Mark was on a conference call . . . what is it about conference calls that makes everybody use their giant deep voices? Impossible to think when someone is sitting right next to you using his giant deep voice to talk ...Melting

A is for Awake

Kris — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 04:12:25 +0000

I am so fucking tired today.

So fucking tired.

The cause? My inability to sleep these last few nights.

Yeah . . . pretty sure that’s it.

Insomnia is a lifelong and wakeful acquaintance.

A painful and heightened appreciation of the workings of my mind.

In which every thought in my mind flutters and ...A is for Awake

Thumbprint

Kris — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 03:10:12 +0000

Freezing wintry cold.

I wait. With the other children, but apart. As always.

At the bus-stop.

I wait for the heavy doors to swing open, and I step up the black rubbery steps. Out of the freezing wintry cold and into the only slightly warmer space of the school-bus. Hurry down the aisle, stepping ...Thumbprint