Maj leans into the couch to give me the not-quite hug she always gives me before she goes to bed, and as she straightens up, she says, “My eyes still hurt.”
To which I respond, “At this point, I could not possibly care less about your eyes.”
“Way to parent, Mother.”
Mark turns to stare at me. “I think Maj is hoping for possible solutions.”
I shake my head. “Is she? I think not. Maj and I have already discussed her eyes about eight billion times today, and I feel confident in stating that Maj does not want solutions.”
Maj crosses her arms against her chest and addresses her father. “Mother just wants to be done with me for the day.”
“So true,” I agree. “SO true.”
Mark says soothingly, “I’m sure your mother doesn’t mean to sound dismissive.”
“No,” I correct him, “I totally mean to sound dismissive.” I make little shooing gestures with my hands in Maj’s direction. “Off you go!”
Maj says, “Do you see how she is? My allergies have been bothering me all day, and my eyes hurt. She doesn’t even care.”
I shoo her away again. “That’s correct. I don’t even care.”
Mark stares at me again, eyebrows raised, and he says, “Your mother cares.”
I grit my teeth and say to Mark, “OK, I am going to run through this one more time for your benefit. Ready?” I turn to Maj. “Did you take your allergy medicine?”
“So take your allergy medicine.”
“No. It’s not my allergy season.”
“Take some Benadryl.”
“No. It will make me tired.”
“Take a shower … the water will soothe your eyes.”
“No. I’m already clean, and watering myself like a plant is not sound medical advice.”
“Hold a wet washcloth to your eyes.”
“No. Too messy.”
“No. If my eyeballs freeze, they will swell and explode.”
“Eye drops? We have medicated and also saline.”
“No. Medicated stings and saline is basically just dripping spit in my eyeball.”
I turn back to Mark and throw my arms wide. “SEE?”
Mark reaches to pull Maj into a hug, which she resists, and he says, “Alright, then. Pointless suffering it is.”
She extricates herself from his embrace and says again, “MY EYES HURT.”
Mark reassures her. “It’s only going to hurt for a little while longer.”
“ARE YOU SAYING I’M GOING TO DIE, DADDY?”
“Nope. You’ll be sleeping soon. Your eyes won’t hurt while you’re sleeping.”
She glares at him. “That’s your advice? Unconsciousness?”
“Unconsciousness is pretty much a cure-all.”
“YOU ARE INSANE, DADDY.”
He nods and speaks in his best fatherly voice. “Yes, my advice is that you work on being asleep. Sure, once you wake up, it’s going to be horribly painful, and it’s horrible right now, but sleeping … that’s the sweet-spot.”
I reach to high-five him.
“MY EYES HURT.”
Mark makes little shooing motions with his hands. “Off you go.”
Maj stomps blindly and screamingly off, and I hand Mark the remote control as I say, “Given adequate supplies of sedatives, you would have made an amazing doctor.”
I like when he laughs.
26 thoughts on “Sweet-spot prescription”
Pointless suffering it is!
Once upon a time, I had no allergies. As I got older I started having really bad Springtime allergies. Now I also have Fall allergies. So, according to Maj, I should be taking my allergy medicine when?
a) Never, because for the first 24 years of my life I had no allergies.
b) Only in Spring, as my first allergies appeared only then.
c) Whenever I am suffering from allergy symptoms.
d) Purple granola monkey file cabinet sousaphone.
I love your comment, because Maj took the PSAT this morning.
The answer is e) all of the above
He neglected to mention that you’d also need a goodly supply of laxatives. :) Great post though!
In our house, if you are not willing to take medicine, you do NOT get to complain about what is ailing you. Pointless suffering for all!
How exactly might one implement the demand that the complaining cease?
Seriously … once Maj gets focused, that topic is the entirety of her conversation until a new complaint arrives to command her attention.
I take my needle phobic allergic-to-everything-environmental child to get allergy shots and still give him allergy meds and nasal spray daily. Maj would love it here. I’m just grateful his only food allergies are milk and bananas, both of which I hate, because it just gives me a good excuse not to buy either.
Happily, Maj has zero food allergies.
Her issues are with the world around her.
But you already knew that.
Thank you. I needed a laugh and the knowledge that other people’s kids can be even more irritating than mine.
Pleased to have made you laugh!
I see you do appearances!
Please schedule an appearance at the Grosse Pointe Barnes & Noble as soon as possible.
Free Room & Board here, bring the whole family
I do indeed do appearances. Why, just today, I appeared at the dog park and at the high school and at the drugstore and at the grocery store as well. Luckily, I am unfamous enough that I was not mobbed at any of these locations.
What does she say if you respond with exaggerated over-the-top sympathy?
Rage and flailing.
Offer her a treat with the benadryl tucked inside.
Works for my dog.
Of course, he doesn’t chew. Just swallows treat whole.
Yeah, giving Maj an unsolicited medication would be similar to bathing a cat, I imagine.
Oh my gosh … as though Maj isn’t already suspicious of my every move.
SO MUCH LAUGHTER.
I’ve had a lot of this same conversation over the last few weeks. BUT I DO NOT HAVE FALL ALLERGIES!!! To which I keep responding, okay then. Problem + easy solution = ridiculous parenting in teen eyes.
“Problem + easy solution = ridiculous parenting in teen eyes.”
Wow, take a little break, come back and everything is new and shiny and exciting and happening up in this little corner of the interwebs. Congratulations on the newest book, I am so looking forward to reading it.
Excellent! I’m looking forward to hearing what you think. Also? I’m glad you are back from your break.
I have annoying eye drops allergies … pretty sure. It kinda makes life suck … like 7 sneezes in a row suck.
Yay pointless suffering!
Oh wait, I mean …
Maj has eye drops, and she HATES them with a passion, as they sting.
Allergies in general are all about pointless suffering.
Silly me. I meant my eye drops which are unrelated to allergies make me sneezzy and teary as though I have year-round allergies.
I swear that’s what I meant to type there. hee hee
Ahhhhhh … got it.
Your words can be read to mean that … it’s just not what I was expecting, and so I saw something else.
Do eyes really explode when they freeze? I’m super afraid to google that one.
And children specialize in pointless suffering. It’s in the contract somewhere.
Wouldn’t eyeballs explode if they froze?
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