Mark stares at me unhappily from his side of the bed. “I don’t think this pillow is working for me.”
I punch in the ends of my own feather pillow and shape it into a fat supportive square. “Why’s that?”
“I was reading this article that said as a side-sleeper, I should have four inches of firm support, and I do not think I am getting four inches from this pillow.”
I laugh. “OK, but you did a lot of research before buying that pillow, and I know it wasn’t cheap, and I thought you were happy with it.”
He turns away from me and grumbles, “I was happier with it before you pointed out it crunches.”
“What? It does crunch … just a little bit. It’s how I tell our pillows apart now that you are using a feather pillow. Yours makes a little crunching sound when it’s squeezed. I think it’s the casing. Is that what it’s called – casing? Like a sausage.”
“Now every time I lay my head on this pillow, all I hear is the crunch.”
“I blame you.”
“Be careful not to give too much thought to crunchy sausage casing and four firm inches as you head off into dreamland, then.”
“I hate you.”
He turns back to me. “I can’t get comfortable. I really think that article was right.”
“OK, that’s ridiculous. You read a bunch of articles that directed you toward the purchase of this particular pillow, but now that you own it, a single article suggesting you have made the wrong decision colors your entire experience?”
“I forgot to factor in how much support I need.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Never mind. Anyway, why are you lying on your pillow like that? You look doomed, like someone’s coming along any moment to behead you.”
He shifts his chin slightly. “Right? This is how this pillow forces me to sleep.”
“Oh my god. You are insane.”
He sits up, gestures at my pillow. “How do you get your pillow to do that? Mine goes all flat.”
“I punch in the sides.”
“Like this?” He presses on one side of his pillow with the flat of his hand; the pillow exhales a small sigh of ennui.
“What is wrong with you? Here, give it to me.” I take his pillow and punch in both sides so that it gasps like a child who has taken a dodgeball to the stomach. I place it back on his side of the bed. “There you go.”
He rests his head on the now-overstuffed pillow, facing me, looking about as awkward and uncomfortable as any man has ever looked. His voice is incredulous. “This cannot be right.”
“Press your head down into it a little bit. Why are you hovering? Commit to the pillow.”
He sinks in, just a bit. He looks at me, his entire being bent and angular and deeply unhappy. “This cannot be how you sleep.”
“That is totally how I sleep. Over the course of the evening, the pillow yields a bit. You may have to punch it a few more times if you wake up and it’s flat.” I look at him. “Know what?”
“Pretty sure what you’ve got there is about four inches of support.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“No, seriously. Hold still.” I reach to measure the space between his face and the mattress with my outstretched fingers, and then I hold up the measurement for him to examine. “See? That’s just about exactly four inches.”
He sits up and pummels his pillow back to its original elongated shape. “Maybe I’ll buy one of those memory pillows.”
“Those don’t work for you.”
“How do you know?”
“You had one once, a long time ago. You hated it.”
“Are you sure?”
He looks at me suspiciously as he lies down again. The pillow makes a tiny crunching sound, but I don’t mention it. He sighs and says, “I don’t remember that.”
“Seriously? You have no memory of the memory pillow? It’s like you’re a stand-up comedian except prone.”
“All I know is this pillow isn’t working for me,” he says haltingly as his next sentence and all the sentences after that turn into snores.
My own awesome pillow and I lie awake for another three hours.
So there is that.
28 thoughts on “Factor in support”
The last guy I dated before this one, required 8 (yes EIGHT!!) pillows to sleep, and there was a very specific way they were stacked and which one he laid on, and it was a 20 minute production every single night.
Did I mention he’s my ex?
I have zero words.
Yes eight. I had 2. And there were nights he would ask for one of them. He over compensated for other things too.
I think the key letters in this entire exchange are E and X.
Because just … no.
Methinks Mark has PTSD from the coaster episode involving glue guns and perhaps needs more craft beer.
Except Mark has been suffering from what you call PTSD for as long as we’ve been married, and so the fault could not possibly rest with the coasters and the glue-gun but instead with …
I will now question my pillow comfort. Because it must be the pillow that has changed my sleep pattern. Here I’ve been blaming age for the waking up drenched in sweat. All along it must have been the pillow! I will have to research this. With the proper support I will surely be able to go back to nights of undisturbed rest and perfect temperature control.
You are pretty much me.
All of that.
We spent an abSURD amount of money on pillows while we were rebuilding last year after the fire. I hate them.
I think they’re exactly four inches of memory foam absurdity.
I should note — THIS Fire was not my fault. The fire I noted regarding frozen butter, was MANY moon ago and minimal.
This fire was keurig related and much more devastating. I’m happy to elaborate, via email – because I don’t want to be known as “the woman who had a fire” …. even though mostly, lately, I am
You are willing to elaborate via email?
Pillows are one of those things that don’t seem like they should cost so much, but when you think about the fact that you sleep on them for a third of your life, I guess some investment is sensible.
Replacement, though … that’s rough.
As for memory foam, I have never cared for those pillows … too stiff and unyielding. I like a pillow I can bunch up and bully.
And fire? Ugh.
That must have been hideous.
I’ve been fighting the Pillow Battles for at least the last decade. Every year I’ve bought a new pair of pillows and every instance has been a complete failure. The original pillows that I sought to replace were perfect for years but finally just died from old age. I’ve come to realize (slowly, obviously, evidenced by the one-time-use piles of pillows that remain after giving some away) that pillows aren’t made/stuffed with the same materials as available back in The Good Old Days. All of the new ones are Hotel Pillows style, which are the Devil. When I visited my Son and DIL at Thanksgiving, they had no spare pillows, so guess what I bought while there and left behind, mainly because they were filled with loser-snooze? Ugh. *punches pillow and curses*
Do you like feather pillows? Mine is awesome. I’ll figure out what brand if you care.
I hate foam pillows and hotel pillows and pretty much anyone else’s pillow that is not mine.
Also, now I am reminded of an awesome bit by comedian Kyle Kinane. Hold on … I’ll see if I can find a YouTube link. I LOVE HIM.
Also, what is “loser-snooze?”
I must know.
Loser-snooze is when you try to get comfortable and no matter what you do, you just can’t manage to get cozy enough to fall asleep. Toss, turn, on and on. Then, usually a couple of hours before dawn, finally you somehow slip into a restless unconscious state because you’re just worn out from the whole ordeal. You’re still uncomfortable but just not awake enough to do anything more about it. Nearly every nite I’ve spent in a hotel as an adult has gone that way. It explains why I generally hate to travel much.
I remember having feather pillows as a child until they started aggravating my sister’s asthma and my mother got rid of them. What kind is yours, if it’s not too much trouble?
OK, I am totally going to make “loser snooze” a part of my vocabulary. That is perfect.
As for my pillow … a Bed Bath and Beyond purchase, if I remember correctly. Fieldcrest Luxury — inner chamber of duck feathers and an outer chamber of white down. Very awesome, at least as far as I am concerned.
Now on my list of things to look into this week, along with finding those YouTube links. Thanks!
You are (rather belatedly) very welcome.
Dang it. Children and husband are watching tv and refusing to allow me to listen to the Youtube links. I will report back later.
I’m on the opposite coast so take your time. I’ll be back in the morning. And thanks.
I have now watched several Kyle Kinane Youtube pieces, and I have laughed so loudly I am annoying people, it has been reported.
I cannot find the link I want, but trust me … Kyle Kinane. He is a storyteller of the bestest sort.
I would’ve mentioned prison with the four inches of support comment before he fell off to sleep, just to keep things interesting.
I have a life-long battle with pillows. I am perpetually uncomfortable. Speaking of perpetually uncomfortable, I’m 35 today! Yay!
Mark never has any trouble falling asleep, no matter the pillow, and he claims to never dream, so suggestive threats are useless.
That said, when he goes to bed uncomfortable, he wakes up unhappy.
No one wants that.
As for 35? HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yay!
Thank you bunches! My fella is a toss and turner who abuses pillows like they owe him large sums of money. I have to buy him new pillows at least 4 times a year or more.
FOUR TIMES A YEAR??
Do not tell Mark about this possibility. Our house would be FILLED with pillows.
Mark should thank his lucky stars he’s not a tummy sleeper. They don’t recommend pillows for us, just tell us to find a new sleeping position! Consequently, finding a good pillow is incredibly hard. So I take mine with me everywhere!
Comments are closed.